The Full Story
Depressed, disconnected, self sabotaging, people pleaser, attention seeker, mask wearer, lazy, unmotivated. Just a few of the words I would use to describe who I used to be. Some of those labels come from a reflection of where I am now, some I really used to feel, and others I was told I was. Waking up every day was a chore, ( I can really only remember back to about 9 years old) it felt heavy, unexciting, disappointing and I felt so much pressure to accomplish something "meaningful". Meaningful, is a totally different concept to me now. But.... it used to feel like, I had to conform, get up, go to an acceptable job, with acceptable pay, with an acceptable pension. The messaging, weather it was meant this way or not, was received by me as; Pick something safe, something that will never not be needed, something that you can rely on, something predictable, something people will appreciate and something that sounds good when saying what you do and what you have accomplished. The problem isn't that I did that and I regret doing that. The struggle was; I was never going to do what someone else wanted me to do, I spent a ton of time trying to do the opposite, but in that, I always carried anger, resentment and feelings of not being good enough. Even though I was trying to do what I wanted and not what I felt was expected, I now know, the energy of that was not coming from the right place in the past. I had the mindset that I hated school, that I just needed to come up with something that got me in and out of schooling in 6-12 months and then I'd start my own business. I'd do it my way. The amount of of short term schooling certificates that I have completed and the ones I did 1/2 of, I honestly could have had a Doctorate twice over, not to forget about all the courses I bought and did not start or did a few courses in. As I started each course I always had a great story of how and what this would do for me and how it would all play out, but honestly it was mostly about the finances not about what I actually wanted to do, yes, many of the roles interested me, but nothing ever made me feel fulfilled. I'm not sure i even knew what that could feel like.
The generational messaging and family trauma was so strong, so many woman in my lineage had been